Top Five Worst Audio Book Readers

Experienced listeners of audio books have basically one requirement when it comes to picking a book up and listening to it. The reader has to be able to make the book come alive. Nobody wants to be listening to a book and within the first ten minutes find that their mind starts to wander. You know the type of boring reader. A reader who never changes their voice for the characters. One who reads a book so slowly or without any interest in making the characters distinct that it sounds like they are reading the book to their kids.

So after listening to hundreds of audio books I thought I would list my Top Five Worst Audio Book readers/narrators. Please note these are completely my opinion and just do not fit my qualifications for a great listen. I would love to hear from anyone else who might want to weigh in on the discussion.

5. Stephen King - Everyone knows the "Master of Horror" has been writing scary stories since "Carrie" in 1975. Did you know he also is a big fan of audio books? Check out this article from Entertainment Weekly from 2007. http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,1551492,00.html.

Now you can be a big fan of audio books, as I am, but Mr. King, you need to know your limitations. I have tried to listen to his short story collection called Blood and Smoke several times.

Each time I try to listen to this collection of three stories, one specifically titled "1408" from which a John Cusack movie was based on, I get stuck on his bland, New England-lilted voice trying too hard to make the stories sound interesting. It was like he was reading the stories out-loud to himself as if he was proof-reading his book before sending it off to the printer.

My advice to Mr. King write, don't speak.

4. Elliot Gould - Here is a case of a T.V. and movie actor, (you'll now him from his roles in the Ocean's Eleven movies with George Clooney and Monica's father in the T.V. show "Friends") who seems not be able to use his acting skills when narrating audio books.

He is the voice of Philip Marlowe, the 1930's detective featured in an eight books series including The Big Sleep and Farewell, My Lovely written by Raymond Chandler.

There's nothing particularly wrong with his voice. He reads clearly enough but each character, whether male or female, sounds exactly the same. There are no accents, no trying to raising his pitch to sound female. He does try to change the speed of his delivery to make the characters sound different but it is sometimes inconsistent and makes you wonder if you missed something. Having read the stories years ago, I was hoping to re-listen to them to enjoy Chandler's descriptive places and characters during 1930's Los Angeles. Instead I end up turning it off and will read them again with hopefully my own voice in my head.

3. Michael Prichard - Though he has been reading audio books for Books on Tape for the past twenty years, for my liking his voice comes across hard and again with no change in his voice for the characters. Now, granted Books on Tape produces their audio books for libraries and not for retail purchase but even people getting their books from libraries do not deserve to be bored to tears with his reading of books by Tom Clancy, Clive Cussler and Robert B. Parker.

2. Debi Masar & Lori Petty reading Janet Evanovich
Both of  these little-known actresses were hired to narrate Abridged versions of the early Janet Evanovich "Stephanie Plum" books.

Lori Petty reads books One for the Money, Two for the Dough and Three to Get Deadly.
Debi Masar reads Four to Score, High Five and Hot Six.

It is obvious to me why the publisher of the abridged audio thought they would make good readers as Stephanie Plum. For those who don't know who Stephenie Plum is, she is a thirty-ish woman from New Jersey who for lack of a better job finds work as a bounty hunter in Trenton, New Jersey. Both the actresses have voices that radiate an east coast accent. Though they both do come across as a flawless Stephenie Plum, all the other characters from Stephenie's parents to Grandma Mauser and Lula, street-wise hooker all come across weak and without the right kind of inflections to make the characters come alive. Listening to their narration compared to C.J Critt or Lorelei King, who have read the Unabridged editions is like night and day.

1. Gloria Vanderbuilt reading her own book "Obssession".
In 2009, fashion icon, socialite, heiress, actress and author Gloria Vanderbuilt wrote a book titled "Obsession". This is an erotic novel not for the faint hearted. At the age of 84, the author seems to have saved up a lot of weird sexual fantasies and just had to put them on the printerd page.

Somehow the book received a few positive reviews:
“In her new novel, Gloria Vanderbilt has created a remarkable tapestry of human passion--an interior world of highly charged erotic mysteries that teasingly suggest, but ever elude, decoding. OBSESSION is a poetic tale on the nature of possession and obsession.” (Joyce Carol Oates )

“Warmth and zest and cheekiness...OBSESSION is erotica even your grandmother can love.” (The Daily Beast )

Now what has this book have to do with the Top Five Worst Audio Book Readers?

It turns out there was an audio edition released with the hardback book and it was read by Ms. Vanderbuilt herself. Due to the somewhat positive feedback my wife and I decided to give the book a listen while we went on a short drive. Let's just say we will never be the same again.

At 84 years old, Ms. Vanderbuilt was saying words that should never, ever come out of a senior citizens mouth. It was kind of scary - kept getting visuals of Grandma that no Grandchild should ever experience. The main characters were in their thirties and forties and all I kept hearing was a grandmother describing a young woman's sexual exploration and private orgasmic moments. About a third of the way through the first CD I had to wonder how much money did she pay Harper Collins to let her read her own book. She never changed her voice for the characters and at one point she moaned as one of the female characters filled with passion that my wife and I ending up laughing so hard we had to shut the CD off.

Here is a an audio sample of her reading the first 2 minutes of the book. This is the G-rated portion of the book. http://files.harpercollins.com/AudioFile/9780061780110.mp3

Would the book have been better if a younger woman would have narrarated the story? Possibly, but we will never know.

I would love to hear any comments or other suggestions as to who might need to be included on the lists.